Socien's Blog

An abusive man or woman intends to always gain an upper hand over the victim—to have his opinion accepted as the father and mother of all opinions; his preferences override all those of the others. To fulfil the demands of this intention so many strategies are pursued. Growing up in a family full of violence I would tell you that “chaos protocol” is one.

A “chaos” incident begins with the abuser convincing his/her victim that later is entirely or partially wrong. If there is any need brute force is used to make the victim fall on the wrong side. In some instances, the victim is already wrong thanks to the mindset he arrives at the incident with. I would give an example of a lady I was in love with (2016-2019); in her thinking, it is fair for a husband to beat his wife when a wrong has been committed by the latter. Just having that kind of mindset made her attract a chain of abusive men.

Petty abuse • Devoid of physical abuse, this serves for manipulative purposes and the victim may not tell whether s/he has been abused. An example is me telling my girlfriend at one point that she is being expensive for nothing, a reason then for my decision to leave her. She quickly had to reason through the surmounting evidence and found visits to the restaurants and gifts that far exceeded my paycheck enough evidence. She therefore sidelined herself to the wrong side. Once you put yourself on the wrong side you may have exposed yourself to abuse.

Once convinced the victim hurries to correct where she is wrong. My girlfriend (then 25) gave up her prime value, which is not having sex before marriage, as a measure to correct this. She felt had to contribute something as a means to correct this. Petty abusers do not stop there. Once they see weakness like a lover who is not willing to let it go, they keep bargaining through such petty means until they get all they need even at the cost of the victim’s happiness.

Petty abusers are manipulators who just want to be seen as saviours by their victims at the end of the day. This kind of abuse may make the beautiful side of abuse. It may be the reason behind humanity’s progress. Employers convenience workers to keep working. Preachers are skilful at the pulpit to grow their ministries. Politicians are politicians.

Physical and verbal abuse: A husband calls his wife by name and the wife, occupied by pressing the garments, delays to come downstairs. (That is a phase of a “chaos” incident I wish to call an encounter). For that, she is told that she is being disrespectful. The wife is convinced that as for the “rules” of the house, she is on the wrong side. A toxic culture she was exposed to while growing up, just like an ex-girlfriend I mentioned above, reinforced the necessity of physical abuse from a man when she “trespasses”. She is quite convinced that the only way she can correct the “trespassing” is just by awaiting punishment. She gets a slap. Whether that physical input of abuse will activate its emotional counterpart or not it becomes the inside mechanics of the victim. As punishment passes what remains to last more than the physical pain is emotional pain.

While victims of petty abuse correct “their trespassing” on their own, those of physical abuse await punishment. (Punishment concluded the life-cycle of a physical use incident). When the culture is rigid, it makes it difficult for victims of physical abuse to find the right space to share their problems. In my culture female victims of domestic abuse are encouraged to stay. My mom stayed, and a week couldn’t pass without at least a thorough beating from her husband. At my dad’s funeral paternal aunties assumed the roles of activists against speaking of the days my mom had her sleepless nights. These aunties were the same people my mom had to share with when Dad was alive.

Male victims on the other hand have a different problem. In my country, they established a victim-friendly unit active at each police camp. But cops under this unit still laugh when a man comes by to report a case of a hubby-basher. They see this as a sign of weakness.

After a series of incidents, the victim can’t take it any longer. Reaching out to helpers becomes the only route of escape in case it is hard for the victim to give up that which has united him/her with the abuser (eg. a marriage).

Conclusively

Our abusers find it hard to dominate us peacefully. So they first seek to unsettle things and create an environment where they fight through and win. Both men and women abusers have varying approaches through which they can plunge us into chaos. It doesn’t have to be a physical fight they plunge us into, but a verbal one or a psychological one.

The mistake courts, family and professional counsellors make is they try to get to hear the story from both sides when in fact condemning abuse is what should be done. They want to know what and how it happened instead of just having the abuser stop his actions. You can’t justify a slap or words that are way in the negative on the one you promised to love. Whatever it is. STOP🚫!

Our schools rarely focus on addressing these issues. I was taught about all the heroes of my country. This is not bad. But I was rarely taught about how bad abusing someone is. Our teachers and parents use whips to make us believe that those who trespass against us deserve nothing but punishment.

Now I am almost 30. Can anyone tell me how a billboard condemning domestic by the roadside can change my mindset? Because it is all in my mindset for me not to beat her or expose her to any form of abuse. Our mindsets are built in Primary education, at a time when our brains are catching things fast. If I have been taught that when I grow up I must be a worker putting me into groups that must form a company at the University level cannot erase what is already in my system. Most attempts to make me a better person in this world are good but are always late.